Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
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[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
when someone compliments me
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no