Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

😂

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

get you a girl who

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

I need a headline like this

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah