Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
my fav colour is also hitler
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
just gave your address to some spiders
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Taliband
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…