Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

car not found

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!

My bladder: Don’t listen to them.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me