@EndhooS

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

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@T_N_Crumpets

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

@cravin4

No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.

@ehchinoo

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

@JUSTLisandra

Having my wisdom teeth pulled.

They have nothing left to teach me.

I must learn on my own from now on.

@TheCatWhisprer

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

@Parentpains

Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.

@FreudsTwin

The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.

@daddydoubts

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.