Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”