COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
You Might Also Like
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
At ease
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you