Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.