Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said