Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
You Might Also Like
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
🖤✌🏽
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.