Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

Boss: Where were you on Friday?

Me: It was a holiday.

Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!

Me: It is if you go as Christmas.

Boss:…

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”