Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

me: [flips over]

my bed: ah the cool side of the person

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.