Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

Me My dog

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.