Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”