Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here