Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Proctology is located in A55
