COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
boat question
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn