COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
much to think about
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit