COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
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If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I hate my earbuds.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…