Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.