Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.