Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Birds & Planes.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them