@Cpin42

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

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@yonewt

HOW TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS ON TWITTER:

1. Pick an adjective
2. Add “AF”
3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule

@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@SteveSackington

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

@SteveSuckington

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

@ThingsJackDigs

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds

@JoshDenny

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

@QwertyJones3

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

@Chhapiness

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown