HOW TO BE ONE OF THE COOL KIDS ON TWITTER:
1. Pick an adjective
2. Add “AF”
3. Enjoy your new life, sans shame and ridicule
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: I have some bad news, but before I tell you, keep in mind that the Wright bros could only stay airborne for 12 seconds
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown