Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Very good! 👍😂

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.