Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

That’s it.I’m out.

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.