Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Merry Christmas. The three wise men.

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

🦝🔥🦝🔥

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh