@hippieswordfish

COP: can you describe the whale that attacked you
ME: yeah it was like a fish but if you zoomed in real close

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@KentWGraham

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

@Perfect_Beanis

in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played “in the end” by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off

@botandy

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

@thedadvocate01

God: They’re called mosquitos

Angel: I see

God: They suck people’s blood

Angel: And this somehow helps preserve a delicate ecosystem?

God: *shrugs* Makes em itch

@rotten_mama

Parenting 101

8: I’m worried dolphins will be become endangered.

Me: Every time you don’t clean your room a dolphin dies.

@Donnie_Fairburn

Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what