Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

Extremely relatable.

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…

I call it my jingle bell rock.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again