COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
work smarter, not harder
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.