COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
the way this pissed me off… 😭
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The Birdles
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”