COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Yup
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
when unicorns get really drunk
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
こいつ天才
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.