Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

See..?

.

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

The Struggle

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come