Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid

Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

“How’s your day going?”

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

life finds a way

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

This woman is my idol. Free her.

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.