COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*