Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?

Me: Why would I do that?

D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]

Me: *winks at camera*

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out