Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
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If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!