Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

I missed you with all my darts

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.