Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.