Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.