Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

😁

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?

Me: Only if you want food and shelter.

6: *carefully considers her options*

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud