Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Fluff me with a fork baby

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.