Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Cause of death: Zumba

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!