Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?