COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
When I said I liked it rough.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.