interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
America is getting murder hornets
Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets
Idiot: ” Those tattoos are going to look awful when you’re older.”
Me: ” Well, you look awful now, so….”
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net