@MatCro

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

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@TweetsByKaylee

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

@SunshineJarboly

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@djdarrellripley

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

@Kyle_Raney

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

@eslpaul

America is getting murder hornets

Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets

@yaboyblue357

Idiot: ” Those tattoos are going to look awful when you’re older.”

Me: ” Well, you look awful now, so….”

@chriscr10571

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net