COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
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You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
britain’s three elite institutions
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.