cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”