Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing