Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.