@philyuck

COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?

MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.

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@KentWGraham

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

@TheTweetOfGod

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

@karanbirtinna

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

@ThugRaccoons

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

@Skoog

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

@Go2Slp

What flavor is the milkshake? How far away is the yard? How could you know its better than mine? You seem, frankly, a bit overconfident.

@TlaxBoy05

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

@murrman5

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome