I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘