I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
COP: Did the suspect have a birthmark?
MARK: He’s alive so I’m assuming he had a birth, yes.
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You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
What flavor is the milkshake? How far away is the yard? How could you know its better than mine? You seem, frankly, a bit overconfident.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome