cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
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My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Well, this explains it: