Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

wife: are you drunk?

me: define “drunk”

w: impaired by an excess of alcohol

m: define “excess”

w: yeah, you’re drunk

m: define “you’re”

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.