ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
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husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed