Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
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definitely did not do anything wrong
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”