Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
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You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
good morning
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what