Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.