Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

*praying for world peace*
God:

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.

HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?

ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.

HER: I need to see other people

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀