Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

Saw online –

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.