Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum