Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Limited budget

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Finished stitching this today 😇

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

*serious situation*

My brain:

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.