[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
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[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
work smarter, not harder
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I cannot stop laughing at this
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products