[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
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Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.