COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
got so much cardio in today
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day