COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“you look easy to draw”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.