COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.