COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.