cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
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Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
🙋♀️
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Spotted in the wild
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off