Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

Breaking news:

I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Only Americans understand

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.