Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
…u ok Nintendo?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.