Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror