Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Happy birthday to all the women
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure