Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂