Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa